


every breath is a choice

by fandom_and_stuffs



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes-centric, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Post-Credits Scene, M/M, big spoilers for that, look. i love bucky but i hated the midcredits scene so im fixing it., well... rationalizing it for me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:37:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_and_stuffs/pseuds/fandom_and_stuffs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't want to go back into cryo. </p>
<p>He hated it; being in cryo, being that thing.</p>
<p>And he had to choose based on himself now. He had the choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	every breath is a choice

**Author's Note:**

> civil war spoilers! civil war spoilers! civil war spoilers!

He didn’t want to go back into cryo. 

He did, in a way; knew it was the best thing for him and for everyone around him. There was just too much risk with him walking around. The things that Hydra had done to him, for all those years, and the things that he had done for them… they’d made him dangerous. Too dangerous. Too dangerous to risk being around civilians again, not now he knew that the words were out there that would send him right back to being that _thing_. And he wanted to keep everyone safe - people. Steve. Himself. 

But he didn’t want to go back into cryo. 

The moment that his ‘attendant’ (they said attendant but he knew they meant _supervisor_ or even _handler_ which made him sick to the stomach) in Wakanda suggested it he knew. He knew that he couldn’t say no, not to this, not when he knew exactly how dangerous he was and exactly what he was capable of doing and how easy it would be for him to do it. She suggested it and he went silent for a while, thinking of being in cryo with Hydra.

The fear, confusion and rebellion at the beginning. The first time was the only time he wasn’t scared out of his mind. He was only half there anyway; his brain was a mess even that early. They strapped him into the cryo chamber and he was so blissfully oblivious of the horrors he would come to endure. And then the freezing pain started and it was the most horrible thing he had been through at the time. Screaming and screaming didn’t help, of course not why would it he should have known that by then he wasn’t stupid he knew exactly what they wanted to do to him and it was cause him too much pain so he would break. Oh, did he break. 

Not having a choice whether he would go under after this mission or the next, his entire existence decided based on what other people wanted, what other people chose. What he was forced to do because they wanted. No choice whether he would go out and kill again or be frozen again. Eventually, knowing that he didn’t get a choice and was never going to get a choice. He never had a choice before and he didn’t have a choice now, because what was he before Hydra? Nothing, he thought. This is it. This is life. Trying to fight going under anyway, because there was one choice he did have, even though he didn’t recognise it. The choice to keep going, to keep breathing, to keep choosing life over giving in to the pain.

Even through his resigned acceptance that he wasn't going to be able to avoid this. Avoid the worst sensation of his muscles seizing up from fear and then the cold. Seeing the ice slowly form along the door in front of him until his vision blurred and faded, dark tendrils clawing at the edges of his eyes until the world was black and he was at the mercy of both his handlers outside the door and the empty void of his unconsciousness. Being in cryofreeze wasn’t the worst part of being that _thing_ , but it was definitely up there with the torture and the brainwashing. 

But while he was silent he thought of other things, too. 

He thought of Steve, a little. Steve a few days ago, fighting with half and against half of the family he had accumulated since he came back from the dead. Steve two years ago, when Bucky pulled him out of the Potomac. Steve fighting him then. Trying to kill Steve on that bridge, the first time he’d seen him since 1945. Steve when it was 1945, fighting with the Commandos. Steve in the 30’s. Steve when he kissed him once in 1938. Steve was he was small, so tiny and innocent but also never pulling his punches no matter how much bigger the other guy was than him. Steve when he met him a lifetime ago, black eye and bruised knuckles. 

He thought of the people he had killed. Remembering all of them was torture, but when he had next to no memory of anything, they were better than nothing at all. Now that he had more of his memories back being able to recall everyone he had ever killed wasn’t his most… useful skill. Sometimes it kept him up at night, reliving kill after kill he had committed cold and inhumanly. They were the protagonists of his nightmares and the background characters of his good dreams. No matter what, the night was a time for the dead in his mind. Whether they were tormenting him or comforting him, they were always there. 

He thought of the people he would kill, if he stayed this dangerous. Everyone could set every precaution possible but at one point or another someone would mess up or he would escape or something would happen that led to more people dead because of him. It could be anyone - when he was that _thing ___he didn’t care. An elderly woman, a child, a teenager, someone working at Starbucks, an escaped Hydra agent or some stranger on the street. He had family out there somewhere; his sister had lived. She had a life, kids probably who could even have their own kids by now. He could kill them. He could kill anyone, while he was dangerous, whether he liked it or not.

He thought of his past. His family. His parents and his sister. Gone now, but they were there then. From being a kid in Brooklyn, pulling Steve out of fights and only worrying about his schoolwork, to being drafted and going through basic training for the war. Azzano, trapped in a lab, awful foreshadowing to what he would go through later. Being rescued, fighting with the Howling Commandos, with Steve, falling - falling off that train and hitting the ground, being in so much pain for so long afterward. Being the Sold- being that _thing_ , killing and hurting so much. Being gone. Fighting against Steve and Sam. Fighting with them. And then coming back, getting his memories and for once it was him being hurt. Steve, alway there in his mind even when he wasn’t in person (and when he didn’t know who Steve was). 

Mostly he thought of what all that meant. He had done so much harm and suffered so much. The people he killed; they didn't deserve it. Learning that he killed Howard and Maria Stark, hearing that Howard had recognised him as he killed him… seeing Tony react to that. All that pain. All his own fault. Didn’t he owe it to everyone to make sure he didn’t continue? What was more time in cryo against adding more to the cast of his nightmares? What was a little more harm to him when innocent people would live? 

He didn’t want to go back into cryo. 

But didn’t the risk he posed outweigh that? 

“Mr Barnes?” She asked, a note of fear audible in her voice.  
“I…” He bit his lip. She was scared of him. With good reason. Wasn’t it up to him to stop people being afraid? 

“Yes.” 

He wasn’t lying when he spoke to Steve about going back under. Steve was the only other person he knew that might possibly understand him on this, what with the time he’s spent in the ice. It wasn’t quite comparable, but it was something. 

When he was stood in the Wakandan cryo chamber, he was terrified. Of course he was. Going through the same thing again after he thought he’d left that behind? Awful. Awful. 

But also, he was fine. He was okay, he was going to be okay, it wasn’t the same. He had a choice, and that was the most important thing. Hydra didn’t care about his wellbeing or keeping him safe past making sure that he could still kill for them. But the lab in Wakanda was clean and sterile, not a dingy basement or an old military base, and everyone attending to him was constantly checking up on him and making sure he was comfortable with what was happening. He got asked a question and he gave an answer from his own mind of his own free will and he chose this. He chose it, he decided. 

He didn’t want to go back into cryo. 

He wanted to keep himself and the people around him safe. 

And he made his own choice to do that. 

_I chose this_ , he thought as he froze. 

_My name is Bucky Barnes and I am in control here_. 

**Author's Note:**

> so i saw civil war yesterday, and it was definitely the best marvel movie so far.  
> i didn't like the stevesharon and i didn't want bucky back in cryo but i rationalized it to myself and then this fic happened. hope you like it!
> 
> im existentialbucky on tumblr!


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